Comets, Moons, and Astronomical Titles

What's in a title? Not as much as everyone thinks, but definitely not nothing.

Comet: (as used in polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous circles) a person in your life who shines brightly—perhaps importantly, perhaps significantly—at regular and/or expected intervals. A comet is neither a one-night-stand nor a long distance relationship as we usually understand them. Is a comet a friend with benefits? Maybe… and no. First, how do you define friend? And so on. The use of this new-ish term comet is intended to show that this is something ELSE. A relationship worthy of a proper title.

For example, a comet might be: a friend with whom you have great chemistry that visits twice a year for work, or one of your exes who has moved away but remains open, or even a former one-night-stand who became more interesting rather quickly and you realized you actually like each other in the daylight, too.

Perhaps you are the comet—traveling for work or pleasure to the same city periodically—with an intense friend or lover in town when you arrive. The myth of the “lover in every port of call” from sailors and military men alike bears some similarity to the comet, but in this case it is crucial that all parties know exactly what the relationship expectations are. Whether that is only periodic physical connection with shared affection in the “off-season”, or it is a deep bond that will persist for decades with get-togethers as available.

A romantic comet, just like the astronomical body, is generally understood to be somewhat long-term, or even reliable. These are not one night stands, but neither is there an expectation of “forever”. Here, the comet differs from other long distance relationship conventions in that there might be scant communication between visits. Often there is mutual affection and understanding that the fires will be sparked again and again as needed from the pilot light of proximity.

Why bring this up? Just a little explanation, but also to show the oddness and often silliness of titles. As I’ve defined it, does a comet have to be mostly communication silent between visits? What if the visits are very frequent, say, more than monthly? Now should we call that relationship a planet, or a moon? Is a comet just another way to refer to a long distance relationship when your home life as an ethically non-monogamous person is full with other commitments? The short and flippant answer is, who cares.

And yet…. the longer answer is, titles do matter. For a few reasons—at least as long as humans have been using the idea of titles, anyway. Titles are a shorthand way to define interpersonal relationships to other humans. As such, they need to have commonly understood definitions that are in the ballpark of accuracy. The title “king” implies a man at the top of a royal hierarchy, with subjects and lineage and all sorts of other expectations. The title “fiancé” indicates a person who has agreed to be married sometime in the (near-ish) future. This title often—though not always—comes with expectations such as the cessation of other romantic relationships, an external symbol such as a ring, and the planning of social send-offs before the wedding ceremony.

And let’s not forget that in our monogamous romantic culture, “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” are frequently understood to be the person that you have committed to spend time with as you get closer—at the exclusion of other romantic interests. It can cause some confusion if you use the word boyfriend to refer to multiple people in your life. (Conversely, in our culture “friend” does not have this issue. Friend is usually understood to someone you just like to spend time with (doing activities or not) and you trust each other in a way that implies you have some level of commitment to their well-being. Most of us have multiple friends, and no one takes issue with that.)

As for accepted titles, comet fails this test. Just say “my comet Ben” to most folks in your life and they’ll raise an eyebrow or just give you a look. Comet does not have common acceptance, yet. Comet is known in some polyamory or non-monogamy circles, just as the word protection has special meaning in the climbing community beyond “being cared for” and the word cutoff has meaning to ultrarunners beyond shortened pants.

So is it just simpler to use boyfriend/girlfriend (or, the even less-precise “friend”) and let the eyebrows raise as they may? Perhaps. Eventually those eyebrows are gonna raise. It’s just a matter of when. I’m an advocate for owning one’s own choices without shame. Having accepted words just makes everything easier.