Love Loves Touch: Social Distancing Hurts When You Live Alone

Marco . . . Polo! Marco . . . Polo!

Doesn’t matter the epoch or the year or the moment: love is everywhere. Let it find you when you (in the lyrical words of Brandon Flowers) “close your eyes, clear your heart”. Love splits light into prismatic joy. It prickles our neurons, then entrains them into calm and comforting grooves.

And yet. One of the ways in which love roots down in our animal bodies is touch. Relationships can be started over text, over the phone, over video calls, over letters, through prison visiting windows . . . you name it. But for most of us, everything shifts and takes on new form when we first touch our partner, when skin meets skin. If we already have a bit of a bond, it will likely deepen. If our connection is new and joyful, that bond will be forthcoming, thanks to our bodies releasing oxytocin and generally allowing for a feeling of safety and solace.

Behold, OXYTOCIN:

This is a column about romantic relationships, but touch is also a massively grounding and bonding action between friends and between our families. And this is where things get tricky if one is actively in relationship(s) but living alone and ALONG COMES A QUARANTINE.

Now, touch is gone. Touch is the province of those who have nesting partners, spouses, children, or even friendly roommates. Some of us live alone, by choice, because we love our tribe but we also like to shut the door sometimes. Right now it feels as though the door is shut on us. During a time of social distancing, I can look out on the street and see families out with the dog. In the park I see couples holding hands. Everyone who has someone AT HOME seems to be reconnecting with those people. (Let’s assume that I am also seeing people together out there who are taking on risky and unethical contact - there’s more than there should be for this point in the pandemic. Soapboxing is for other mediums.)

The loss of touch is not just felt by the polyamorous, but by anyone who is single and dating but not living with anyone. It is the same sudden shift and shock of change.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

(from “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver)

Now, rather than bitch and moan about oh woe is me because I like my space and don’t wanna share but now I really just want some snuggles…. I’m going to give some options for coping. And most involve…. touch.

Hug Things Of All Kinds

This is super easy. Get more friendly with your pillow. Adopt a cat. Hug a tree (I’m not kidding - they are warm and weirdly reassuring especially when human-ish diameter.) Use a foam roller. Take warm baths while you talk to a friend or partner, or just alone and chill. Get a weighted blanket.

Self Massage (with or without a remote companion)

Lots of resources out there, but it turns out that hugging yourself while smiling and thinking about your close friend or lover DOES produce oxytocin. And doing the same while looking them in the eye over FaceTime? YES.

General self-massage is also a good way to just FEEL touch on your skin. Learn how to massage your own head and neck and you’ll get bonus vagus nerve activation for calming down your whole system.

Explicit Touch (for those willing)

Moving up the intimacy scale, we’re in the realm of sexting, phone sex, and even video sessions live with your honey. You could take some of the live performance pressure off and record short clips to send (WITH CONSENT, people!!!) so that your partner can interact with you on their own time schedule and comfort level. The connection will still feel more personal than using anonymous inputs online or none at all. Trust me on this.

Whatever you do…. stay in contact with consistency. I’ve found Marco Polo app to be a godsend even before this all went down. The connection is so much deeper than a text. If you want to be live, go with any video chat client or phone calls. Do “mundane” activities together. Set up your video chat and just cook at the same time. Do yoga. Even read books “next” to each other. It’s calming to human around another person.

STAY IN TOUCH, even if it’s with your own body thinking of your loves. Because being in contact with your beloveds goes a huge way to calming your stress levels in coming weeks and months. #loveiseverywhere