No One Chooses Polyamory: They Fail at Commitment
...Right?
It’s a common trope. Whispered out of earshot for the friend who just came out as being a person who chooses ethical non-monogamy or polyamory. The sentiment?
One does not “choose” polyamory so much as they FAIL at committing to long-term monogamy. Fail at commitment, in general. And not “they” failed. There is no they.
YOU have failed.
YOU have been unable—and probably, condemningly, UNWILLING—to prove your worth as someone who sticks it out. You have been immature and incapable of making things work. You are not the person who does the oh-so-hard-and-noble effort to stick with one partner for years or decades or life.
Yes, this sentiment is a thing. It’s the Protestant work ethic as applied to romantic relationships. Or, technically, to ONE relationship.
There’s a sentiment that a switch is flipped from “I want monogamy” to “I want lots of new fresh partners all the time!” Except that’s not quite true. But it often begins in folks who were taught that at minimum, long-term serial monogamy is the standard. And truly the goal is ONE final long-term-till-death monogamous relationship. But it does not work for everyone, and that’s not because people don’t work hard “enough”.
It can be toxic to a person’s well-being to be forced to hide or deny their pending failure at monogamy, so huge is the social punishment and sheer uncomfortableness of going public with your retreat from a life-long promise. The fear of this failure can cause whole swaths of people to spend their adult lives somewhere on the spectrum between “I’m fine. I’m okay. This is FINE.” and “I hate my life.”
What starts out with sweet intentions between two people who want to be together, maybe forever, can evolve over the long-term, either as each adult comes into their nascent personality, or as they genuinely change. (Or, as they learn to spell…?) Everyone changes. And you can change gently and force yourself to adapt to other people’s changes around you, even when brutally uncomfortable or painful, or you CAN choose to do something differently. To take a different path forward rather than hacking through the underbrush with a dull machete.
The problem is that choosing a life free from the expectations of monogamy often comes with the expectation that you will also never commit. That you CANNOT commit to anyone, to anything, to any value, to any morality. That you are essentially a value-less person with questionable morals.
And that’s toxic. POLYAMORY, when translated from its two languages of origin, simply means “many loves”. It doesn’t mean “fuck about”. It doesn’t mean “bonding and connections are evil”. It doesn’t mean everything must be new and shiny or else it is dull and stupid. It means: MANY LOVES.
Hilariously, whether or not polyamory can (and often does) value long and stable connections over the fast and furious and frenetic comes in the form of a tiny blip within a BBC humor video from their Channel 3 series. Take note of the comment at :28 seconds in, from the dad, in response to his daughter saying, “Wait, like polyamory?” Dad: “Oh, no, nothing like that! Polyamory’s when you have multiple loving relationships. We just fuck about!”
BBC3 Your Parents are Kinkier Than You
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Know yourself, know your values, and understand your boundaries. Then, communicate like all get-out, practice safer sex, and you are off to a very good start indeed. No matter what you do. Or whom you do.
But know that you can be non-monogamous, or polyamorous, or (whoa!) monogamous or any other variant you can dream up, and you CAN still desire and choose form long-term bond(s) that you’d like to last for a very, very long time. If your partner(s) also want that kind of outcome, how lovely. If they don’t, be open about your needs and enjoy the strengths of each relationship on their own terms.
And beyond your relationships with other humans, COMMIT to yourself. Commit to kindness, growth, honesty, and a set of values that you really believe in. Because you have the rest of your life to keep renewing that commitment to yourself: your true “primary” relationship.